The Price of Protecting Yourself: Why You Feel Alone in the Crowd

Three months ago, when you bought tickets to finally see Kygo, you buzzed with excitement, certain that you’d finally get one day celebrating you. They were a birthday present after all. 

Finally a moment with your girlfriends moving and shaking to the beat, enjoying the feel of the sunshine on your skin after some great tapas and sangria. 

So you were mystified when not even a week before, you stared at the three tickets in your hands, shocked at the prospect of going to the concert alone. 

You’d drafted your friend in all things “Namaste” your favorite tracks you couldn’t wait for him to play. But you’d never actually hit send.  You also never got around to telling your sister you bought cute new boots to show off at the show. 

The anger and resentment burn up the back of your neck, threatening tears just waiting to cascade down your cheeks. You're so tired of this bullshit. You keep giving, giving, giving, feeling the same little aches from the breaks in your soul. 

While these gals may certainly not win BFF of the year awards, there’s also a part you’re not looking at. 

They don’t know what the music means to you.

You never actually let them in on the fact that somehow the way he composes the beat allows you to actually turn your mind off. That singing and dancing connects you to a space within yourself you’re afraid you’ll lose amid the grind of the everyday.

So how’d it get this way? Well I bet you’re so used to being there for others you’re not really sure how to let anyone see you anymore.

Do you always just say you’re “fine” or “good” without going into much detail? (Caveat this is for the people who’ve earned the right to hear it BTW not someone you just met over caramel macchiatos). Moving quickly along, you then ask about their partner's surgery and their baby girls’ sleeping habits to see how they’re feeling about it.

You tell them the play by play of your life but without actually discussing any feelings or your “inside” thoughts 😅. 

When we don’t show up for ourselves, neither do other people (ok unless it’s  your mom and sometimes not even then, ouch). You cannot continue to bypass your own feelings as if they’re second rate. 

Don’t get me wrong, being there for others and helping them out is a wonderful thing.

AND you can also hide behind doing for others. 

It keeps things surface level and safe. Which, girl, is not the road to connection.

The flashy red Mercedes convertible that gets you there is actually a pretty sturdy Camry: Vulnerability.

Yup the thing that Brene Brown touts in that landmark Ted Talk. It’s the gateway to love, belonging, joy, creativity. All things I KNOW you want more of in your life. 

Risking connection not only with others, but actually with ourselves. Owning what you really feel and want- even if it is a little cringe. 

So “ How do I get out of this friggin cycle”?

Here’s the thing. You’re not going to like what I have to say. And Sorry I’m not sorry.

You have to risk to get what you’re so desperately seeking. 

I know, worse than that Jason wanna be who came at you with the chainsaw instead of a machete.

You can do it slowly, risking in small ways at first– doesn't have to be like floodgates opening. If you don’t want to live your inner life in isolation anymore, reach out to me for support.